Ask an Expert: How to Process, Cope, and Move Through Grief Right Now
We’ve been spending a lot of time at Create & Cultivate HQ discussing how we can best show up for and support our community during this uncertain time. Community is at our core, and connecting with others through one-of-a-kind experiences is what we love to do. While the world has changed, our mission has not. We’re committed to helping women create and cultivate the career of their dreams, which is why we’re proud to announce our new Ask an Expert series. We’re hosting discussions with experts, mentors, and influencers daily at 9 am, 12 pm, and 3 pm PST on Instagram Live to cure your craving for community and bring you the expert advice you’ve come to know and love from C&C. Follow Create & Cultivate on Instagram, check out our Ask an Expert highlight reel for the latest schedule, and hit the countdown to get a reminder so you don’t miss out!
Grief is something that most of us are experiencing right now. In the wake of COVID-19, just consider all that we’ve lost: the lives taken by the coronavirus, the lost livelihoods, the depleted savings, the upended routines, the canceled plans, the postponed weddings, and so much more. Odds are, each of us is processing and attempting to move through one of the five stages of grief right now.
In this installment of our Ask an Expert series, we asked Dr. Morgan Francis, a licensed professional counselor with a doctoral degree in clinical psychology, to share her insights on how to process, cope, and move through grief right now. Scroll on for some of the key takeaways from the conversation and follow Create & Cultivate on Instagram to tune into the next installment of the ongoing series.
The 3 Us
“In order for us to heal, we have to feel our feelings,” Dr. Francis wisely points out. In order to do so, there are three things about grief that we all need to be aware of and understand, a.ka. the three us:
U #1: Unique. “Your grief is unique,” explains Dr. Francis. “Your loss is unique to you. There’s no benefit when we compare our suffering. Your pain is worthy of being recognized and being noticed. Your pain matters.”
U #2: Universal. “Your loss is unique, yet it is universal,” says Dr. Francis. “We all feel it and can relate to one another though everyone’s grief is unique to them.”
U #3: Uncertainty. “There is so much uncertainty right now, and it’s an uncomfortable place to be,” notes Dr. Francis of the current COVID-19 crisis. “Here’s the thing about uncertainty, it allows possibility. There’s a lot of possibility right now in your life. There’s going to be a change and a shift.”
If you’re struggling with uncertainty (U #3), Dr. Francis suggests the following exercise: “Think about a time in your life when you didn’t know the outcome, she explains. “Then ask yourself what have you overcome when you didn’t know the outcome?”
This could include anything from moving to a new city, starting a new job, entering a new relationship, or having a child. “There have been plenty of times when you haven’t known the outcome but you adapted and you made it through,” she reminds us.
The Box Breathing Method
Originally developed by the Navy SEALs to help them cope with their environments, box breathing is an effective tool for reducing anxiety, calming down, and grounding yourself, explains Dr. Francis.
To practice the method: Inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and finally hold your breath for four seconds.
“You can repeat as many times as you need to until you feel more grounded and calm in your body,” says Dr. Francis. “It’s a great tool for regulating how you feel in your body.”
The 5 Stages of Grief
According to Dr. Francis, it’s important for you to name what you are feeling. “Grief is not a linear process, the key is to identify which stage you are in so you can start to understand and feel your feelings,” Dr. Francis reminds us. This is where the traditional five stages of grief come in handy:
Stage #1: Denial. “We want to remain in our preferred reality,” explains Dr. Francis.
Stage #2: Anger. “We’re mad about our reality,” she offers. “We want accountability and we want somebody to be responsible for what happened.”
Stage #3: Bargaining. “It’s the idea that if I did this, could I have that,” Dr. Francis explains.
Stage #4: Sadness. “It’s the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness,” she says.
Stage #5: Acceptance. “In this stage, you’re starting to accept the reality,” Dr. Francis explains. “However, this does not mean that you like this reality.”
Dr. Francis recently launched a new online course, Loving Yourself Through Loss, and is offering Create & Cultivators $100 discount with the code CULTIVATE100.
About the Expert: With over 20 years in the mental health field, Dr. Francis is a licensed professional counselor with a doctoral degree in clinical psychology. She is the founder and owner of Scottsdale Premier Counseling, a private practice in Arizona providing individual, couples and group therapy. She specializes in the treatment of body image and eating disorders, self empowerment, sexual compulsive behavior, mood disorders, relationships, and trauma.