“You can be a mother and have a successful career or business, but you have to let go of perfectionism.”
—Tanya Dalton, Productivity Expert, Bestselling Author, and Speaker
The perfect mom always picks her kids up from school. The perfect mom always bakes homemade cookies for the class bake sale. The perfect mom never misses her kid’s game.
Chances are you’ve said a version of one of these sentences to yourself at one time or another. Perhaps it’s a regular occurrence, plaguing your thoughts with intense feelings of guilt with every move you make.
I have been there. In fact, at my breaking point, I found myself turning around in circles in my kitchen, unsure of where to begin on my mile-long to-do list—a to-do list that I believed would make me into a failure of a mother if I did not check off every single box. Needless to say, overwhelmed and guilt-ridden, I crumbled to my kitchen floor. It was in that moment I realized there had to be a better way. I realized I loved my children more than anything, but I would not be of any value to them if I was unhappy.
I had to remind myself that going after my own passions did not make me a terrible mother. And I am here to tell you it doesn’t make you one either.
In reflecting back on the day I sat on my kitchen floor 10 years ago, there are three major shifts I made in my life that changed the way I think forever. By doing so, I was finally able to relinquish the hefty side helping of guilt and shame that came with my favorite role in life: mother to my two children. Learning to finally let go of those feelings, and give myself the freedom to pursue other roles in my life—like business owner and CEO—has made me an even more present mother.
You can be a mother and have a successful career or business, but you have to let go of perfectionism. Perfection is the monster I’ve grappled with my entire life, and no matter what, I have always lost. Perfect does not exist, and the sooner you realize it, the sooner you can get out there living your life. In fact, I challenge you to stop using the word “perfect” in your life. Yes, things can be “ideal,” but if you are waiting around for perfection, then I hope you’re ready to wait for quite a long time.
Here are the three steps I took to get to where I am today. I hope by sharing these, many of you will decide it is time to do the work and kick “mom guilt” to the curb for good. Because you only have one life to live and it's yours.
#1: I uncovered the limiting beliefs I had that were holding me back.
We all have limiting beliefs that hold us back. Some common ones I hear are: “I will never be a morning person. I just cannot start my day early like some people.” Or maybe it’s something like: “I’m so bad with numbers, so there is no way I can handle the finances for my business.” Okay, now just add on being a mother to those statements and you can see how these beliefs really just begin carrying on a life of their own…
“I will never be a morning person. I just cannot start my day early like some people...and maybe if I actually could I would have time to pack lunch for my kids every day like a good mom should.”
See where I am going with this? Out of nowhere, we made up a rule in our own head that does not even exist in the real world! As I like to say, we have to stop telling ourselves these old stories.
If you are having trouble uncovering what your limiting beliefs are, allow me to share the “fifth why” exercise, something I use with both the women I coach, as well as my own kids!
The first step is to focus on the areas of your life that feel challenging right now—there is no wrong answer here. Don’t think, just write your thoughts down. Start by looking at the painful parts of your past—the things you regret or perhaps feel remorse for not doing. Where are the places where shame blooms and grows, the parts of your past you don’t want to repeat?
As a next step, you’re going to start the fifth why exercise, and yes, it is as easy as it sounds. Like any three-year-old you’ve been around recently, it really is as simple as asking yourself “why” until you uncover the true meaning behind your limiting belief. As an example, let’s say you wrote down “I am afraid to start my own business.” The next question would be, you guessed it: Why? From there, I find it is usually right around the fifth why that you get to the true root feeling, such as, “I am afraid to fail.” “I am afraid my family will go broke.”
After doing this exercise, I think you will find that your limiting beliefs aren’t as scary as you think they are when you put them down on paper and get them out of your head. Only when you acknowledge that they exist can you actively make choices to disrupt those patterns and make strides in the direction you really want to move. After all, the first step to overcoming our limiting beliefs is to first recognize what they even are!
#2: I got really clear on my core values so that setting boundaries and saying “no” became easy.
What you value in life needs to be the North Star of your business or career. Every single move you make in your career should be in alignment with your guiding values.
Once you get clear on your values, it is amazing how much easier the word “no” becomes, a word that used to trigger that feeling of guilt inside of me, which is the theme of this article.
For example, one of my core values is family, which is a deciding factor in each and every business decision my husband and I make for our company. If I am invited to speak at an event that conflicts with a family event or doesn’t really resonate with the message I am trying to bring to the world, then the answer really becomes crystal clear: No.
#3: I permanently removed the idea of “balance” from my life because balance is bogus.
Here’s a secret many productivity experts won’t tell you: balance does not exist. Trying to achieve balance will inevitably lead to you feeling like a failure. It is all about achieving harmony and leaning into what I like to call “counterbalance.” There is never going to be a time in your life where you can perfectly balance all of the important roles you carry. Remember, we are avoiding the word “perfect” because it too does not exist.
Instead, I encourage you to lean into your different priorities when the time comes. If I have a huge launch to prepare for at work, then I make a point to tell my family that mom is going to be focused on work for the week. But that doesn’t mean the following week won’t look completely different. There are weeks where my entire focus is college trips with my son or volleyball games for my daughter. In fact, last week I went on a much-needed vacation with my family and did not turn my phone off of airplane mode for 10 glorious days. Why? Because the priority I was leaning into for those 10 full days was my family. Nothing else.
If I had “balanced” then my kids would have risked waking up to mom sitting at the breakfast table, beautiful beach scenery and fresh air be damned, clutching her cell phone and furiously typing, wasting away the precious moments we have left before my son goes off to college and begins his future.
Balance is bull. Let’s achieve harmony together. I know we can.
About the author: Tanya Dalton is a nationally recognized productivity expert, best-selling author, and speaker. Tanya serves as a growth strategist for female leaders in the corporate and entrepreneurial sectors. Her 12-month mentorship program, The Intentional CEO, helps entrepreneurs grow thriving businesses and thriving personal lives. Tanya is also the founder and CEO of inkWELL Press Productivity Co., a company that provides tools that work as catalysts to help women do less while achieving maximum success.
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